Lately

The most horrific thing happened on April 26, 2010. Fred and I came home and found Betty in the pool. She was lifeless. It's been a month and a half and I relive April 26th every morning. I haven't gone past that day. The clock keeps moving yet my life is at a halt. I'm going nowhere. The image of her floating body just won't go away. Bloated and unrecognizable. It wasn't my Betty. It took a moment for everything to sink in. Once it did my stomach and head spun, it's still spinning. Many people think it's just a dog. I can get a new one. They think a dog's life is not as valuable as ours. That's what people don't understand. Losing a pet you love as much as a human is losing a family member. She was my baby even though she was a dog. She completed me in so many ways. She brought so much happiness into my life. Happiness I hadn't had in such a long time. Happiness that ceased during childhood. I know people who are close to me are tired of me crying and talking about her. I miss her. I long for her touch. For her scent. For her love. For her companionship. I can not begin to express how terrified I am. When things got bad I had her and Greyson. When I thought, "This is it, I have to leave." I always imagined I would leave with them to paradise. How do I accomplish that now?

I don't know where she is. I'm not so sure there is a heaven. I'm not so sure there is such greatness as God. If God loved me why did he take something so precious away from me? In life I only have a few things worth living for. My dogs are among the top 2. I just don't believe God is good anymore. I want to rip his heart out. I want to know why her. If I had done something wrong in life why didn't he punish me instead of her? This is torture. I am a selfless being. I just want her back. Give her back to me.

Fred keeps telling me I won't find her. He doesn't know that. She is out there somewhere. I'm gonna find her. If not today or tomorrow, I will find her again. The card said she is over the rainbow. I've looked beyond the rainbow, she's not there. I've waited days, weeks, and now counting months. She hasn't returned. I want to demand her from God.

So you ask, what have I been up to lately? I am lost, somewhere on Earth although I'm not sure where. I am dismantled. Lately, I'm not sure what I am.