Still Missing My Baby

It's been several months since Betty's passing. The days are becoming more bearable. I'm able to push her to the back of my mind. I fear I will forget her. I miss her so much. I suppose it's true, you never know what you have until it's gone. She comes to me in my dreams. Each night she returns just as she is but my dreams never last long enough. I just want to sleep forever and dream. It's the only way I get to be with her. The guilt will never disappear. I failed her miserably. How can I let something I love so much die? I replay it a million times in my head how I could changed that awful day. Has anyone invited a time machine? I'm looking for one, to go back to that awful day and redo everything I did wrong.

Where did my Betty girl go?

I miss my Betty girl. I stopped dreaming about her. I fear I will forget her. I don't want her to become a mere image of the past. I want to close my eyes and imagine she is here with me, holding her tight and never letting go of her. The last time she was in my dream I dreamed were were living in our old house in San Jose. I gave her a treat from my bedroom door in the hallway and she ran down the hall stopping midway between the kitchen and living room. She chewed on her treat with her back turned to me. I said to myself, "This time I'm not letting her go." I wish I never wake up, I just want to be with her so bad. I miss her. I'm so empty without her. It's hard to see other people walk their little dog. I'm envious. I want mine. I will search forever for her. I am determine I will find her again. I need to find her, she's been gone too long.

Lately

The most horrific thing happened on April 26, 2010. Fred and I came home and found Betty in the pool. She was lifeless. It's been a month and a half and I relive April 26th every morning. I haven't gone past that day. The clock keeps moving yet my life is at a halt. I'm going nowhere. The image of her floating body just won't go away. Bloated and unrecognizable. It wasn't my Betty. It took a moment for everything to sink in. Once it did my stomach and head spun, it's still spinning. Many people think it's just a dog. I can get a new one. They think a dog's life is not as valuable as ours. That's what people don't understand. Losing a pet you love as much as a human is losing a family member. She was my baby even though she was a dog. She completed me in so many ways. She brought so much happiness into my life. Happiness I hadn't had in such a long time. Happiness that ceased during childhood. I know people who are close to me are tired of me crying and talking about her. I miss her. I long for her touch. For her scent. For her love. For her companionship. I can not begin to express how terrified I am. When things got bad I had her and Greyson. When I thought, "This is it, I have to leave." I always imagined I would leave with them to paradise. How do I accomplish that now?

I don't know where she is. I'm not so sure there is a heaven. I'm not so sure there is such greatness as God. If God loved me why did he take something so precious away from me? In life I only have a few things worth living for. My dogs are among the top 2. I just don't believe God is good anymore. I want to rip his heart out. I want to know why her. If I had done something wrong in life why didn't he punish me instead of her? This is torture. I am a selfless being. I just want her back. Give her back to me.

Fred keeps telling me I won't find her. He doesn't know that. She is out there somewhere. I'm gonna find her. If not today or tomorrow, I will find her again. The card said she is over the rainbow. I've looked beyond the rainbow, she's not there. I've waited days, weeks, and now counting months. She hasn't returned. I want to demand her from God.

So you ask, what have I been up to lately? I am lost, somewhere on Earth although I'm not sure where. I am dismantled. Lately, I'm not sure what I am.

Update

It's been several months since my last blog. I've been crazy busy with the new house. My only sister-in-law is getting married next weekend. We had her bridal shower and bachlorette party a few weeks ago. The bridal shower was boring! I guess I'm just an aweful host. I didn't do much, my sister-in-law by marriage took over the responsibility of games. I sat there and took a few pictures, handed out a few pens, and at the end collected paper. Towards the end of the shower the bordem I was suffering from was starting to show. Thank goodness it ended before I got grouchy! When I have to do boring things I resort to being a little girl. I can't help, it's never going to change. I am what I am.

I've been really good about not buying expensive makeup. I've missed the last 7 MAC collections and Sephora exclusives. Since getting $25 gift cards to CVS I've been doing a little drug store haul. The L'Oreal Hip Color Chrome eyeliners are spectacular. I can't believe how creamy and soft they are. I've been using the Black Shock for the last week and it is better than UD 24/7 eyeliners. The UD 24/7 eyeliners are way too creamy. They skip on my lids when I put them on. And they create think lines, I'm into thinner lines.

The Revlon Photo Ready foundation has good coverage. I haven't used drugstore powders or foundation for several years. Probably the last 8 years. To my surprise this foundation was very creamy and smooth, doesn't cake! I got 2 colors, I'll be returning one of them because it's a little light for me. I could keep it for the winter season but I have so many other foudations I don't need it.

The Rimmel Glam'eyes Eyeshadows are well pigmented. They are soft and smooth, that's a plus! I bought the bronzy and black shadows. I'm planning to get two more in white and blue. That will complete my drugstore haul. I'm trying to save up for LA IMATS this year. I've been pysched about it since November. Although BSB just announced they are going on a cruise in Decemeber. Depending on the price of the cruise I might give up IMATS for it. Tickets go on sale March 20th so we shall see. =D